Home is Where the Heart is

Looks like I didn't change my blog to suit the festive spirit xD

Sowie~

That being said, loads of things have changed since my last post.
Namely...

Exams.

Urgh. They're out to kill you. When you thought you're well prepared, they just jump right in front of your face, rearing their ugly sides, proving you wrong =.=

Anyways, evil thoughts aside, MEL'S BACK! :D

Welcome back Miss White ;p
I wonder if you've gained some weight and look less white than before xD

Funny thing was, Mel called me while I was in the drive-thru. The MCD's on the way back home.

Mel: PEI LI! ARE YOU DONE WITH YOUR EXAMS??
Me: Er...Yea. Just finished it.
Mel: GREAT! QUICKLY COME DOWN! WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF IMU!! :D
Me:....Er....Mel...I left IMU like...10 minutes ago.
Mel: Oh... :(

Sorry mel :x You really should have told me earlier. Or called me 10 minutes earlier when I was still in IMU xD

Ah well. There's always the 31st ;D

And Yee Wen called too! :)
So touched that you thought of me after your trip ;D
And no. I wasn't thinking about gifts. Haha. But I appreciate the thought and effort ;)

Thanks for the penguin :p

Right guys. Gotta go study for OSCE =.=
Hope the SP's don't pull any funny stunts on me or I will personally scream, at them. After punching them. After crying in front of them. After strangling the lecturers so that they won't know.

If they're gonna complain to me about leg pain, tummy pain or just PAIN in general, or fatigue, I swear I'm gonna go all beserk.

Too bad it won't give me any marks :(

Btw, a belated Merry Christmas to my loyal fans xD

*cough cough*

29th December 2009

This christmas is gonna be a rather sad event for me :(

Not only do I have to suffer in the evil clutches of the evil that is known as the EXAMS OF IMU, or, EOI, or, EOS, as it is officially recognized by students and lecturers alike, but I would be celebrating Christmas with less people than before. Well, less close people than before anyways :p

With the old, comes the new. Same thing applies to my friends. With the old leaving me one by one, the new comes in too. As we grow up, the friends we make tend to be less close to us. We share less things and are not as intimate. Well, to me anyway.

But, I have vowed to change. One step at a time.

But I digress :p

Walking in the mall just last week with Lai Mun, Yan Leng and Tsing, made me realize how much I miss my friends who have left already. Of course, I am currently referring to two people who have always treated me well and loved me for who I am ;)

Dianne and Yee Wen :)

Passing by all the penguins that are being sold right now really made me felt it. Funny way huh? All my recent penguins were their gifts :p

Also, out of reflex, I would often look out for horsies, or anything unique that can be gifted. The former being Yee Wen's fave, and the latter being something Dianne would like.

Then it would slowly strike my mind.

How do I give it to them?

:(

Not a very happy thought during this festive season eh?
Doesn't help with all the little booths and stores placed strategically on the walkways in all major shopping complexes.

I guess I should thank my evil nemesis, EOS, for confining me to either IMU or home then :p

On the happier note, MELLY IS COMING BACK AFTER MY EXAMS! :D
Or should I say, during my exams :p
We were making so many jokes of how Lai Mun and Melly would miss each other in the airport and that their planes would somehow intersect. Haha.

Well Melly, you've given me a Christmas present already :p
Your return.

Awwww....so sweet :p

And mushy :x

15th December 209

1 : the state of being friends
2 : the quality or state of being friendly

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Part 1

'Its my first day, its my first day, its my first day...' , I kept chanting in my head. I was excited of course! As would any normal 7 year old would. It was my first day of school! But even with all that excitement, I felt a small twinge of dismay. Both mum and dad wouldn't be around because of their work. They had to work extra hard due to the recent downturn of the economy. Even grandpa and grandma wouldn't be around because they had to take care of my younger brother. Oh well...

Shaking my thoughts, I look around me. All of them are as excited as me. It was a whole bus load of 7 year-olds. There was a lot of chattering as people who knew each other started talking. Of course, being in a small town-like area, some people were bound to end up in the same primary school from kindergarten.

At last, the bus stopped. 'Finally!', I thought. As I got down, it seems everyone is just as excited as I am. Trying not to look at the children who have their parents in tow, I start looking for my class.

'HEY!', someone yelled. I turned around. A larger girl was running towards me. Then again, everyone was larger compared to me, due to my small stature. She panted after she caught up with me. 'Hey!', she exclaimed. 'Huh? Er...Yes?', I asked.

'Aww, c'mon. Don't you know me? I sat right next to you earlier! And I didn't get to ask your name either. My name's Hazel', she exclaimed while holding her hands out to shake mine.

'Er...Oh. Ehehe. Right. I'm Alexis', I blushed as I reached to shake her hand.
'Eh? Alexis? That sounds like a guy's name...Ah well. I'll just call you Alexis! Alright?' She grinned after shaking my hand.
'Er...sure? Why not?', I smiled.
'Oh yea!!! C'mon!! I know where our classes are! Let's go let's go!', she said while grabbing my hands and literally dragging me to my class.

'Here we are! Looks like this is our class!', she exclaimed.
'Er...eh? Ok.', I nod, a little disorientated.

I glanced the classroom. Half the class was already filled with students. Being 7 year-old, everyone was shouting, running, yelling, talking and just playing around. Occasionally, there would be 1 or 2 quiet ones who would just watch the entire thing while seated.

'C'mon! Let's get seated!'. Grabbing my hand, she dragged me again to 2 seats situated in the middle of the classroom.
'Mmm...'kay'. I put my bag down and continued looking at my surroundings.

My class was like any normal government school. The floor was just cement, smoothed up by the years of wear and tear. The walls were white, littered with graffiti and shoe marks. The windows were the individual glass panes, but dusty after all those years of neglect. However, the class still had a comfortable feel to it.

'Looks like I'll be just fine here' I thought to myself while smiling.

Little did I know...this was just the calm before the storm.
I was about to go through hell.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Short story to help keep my english in check. I think my english has deteriorated >.<
If you see any grammatical errors, assuming you actually read all the way here, please let me know :)
Critiques are welcomed.
Let the flamming begin.

8th December 2009

These are all of my painful experiences explained in poetry style~ Each stanza represents one story.
Last reflection before I continue studying t.t

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I've always wanted to laugh
Cry, and talk beside you.
But I also understood that you needed to be away.
As much as this pains me, I know.
I just know.

If only I picked the right ones.
I regretted choosing you.
You never stood by my side
No matter how much I told you about it.
But you made me what I am.

Why did you do this to me?
I didn't do anything to you.
Over domineering you are.
But I kept quiet.

If only I had been more adamant.
But still...why?
The betrayal that I felt was painful.
It hurt.
It hurt so much...

I know you disliked me.
You disliked me for being me.
What was I to do?
I didn't have the power
Nor the courage.

Our decisions made us who we are now.
Some part of me regretted it.
But the other part of me didn't mind it at all.
How much my world would have changed had I chosen that.

Your words were harsh
Your indifference was even more piercing.
I had no idea then.
I do now.
How could I have been so blind?

I misunderstood you.
I'm sorry.
How I wish I could have just said it back then.
I'm sorry...

How I wish time stood still for me at that one moment.
It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
However...
Time waits for no one.
Always moving
Never stopping.

I regretted listening to you.
Because of that, I'm treading on a path.
A path which I pray fervently isn't the wrong one.
It may not be the wrong one.
But is it the right one?

How could I have been so blind yet again?
Once bitten, twice shy.
Yet, I didn't listen to that saying.
I was blinded....again.

Letting you go may have been the wrong decision
But not something to regret.
Who knows how things would have been now?
It isn't my place to say that.
Not anymore...

Last farewell.
It seemed like ages before you left.
But when you did...
It felt like ages since I last saw you...

Seeing you leave made my heart ache
But I didn't cry.
As much as you wanted me to.
Because showing that meant showing to the whole world.
In front of people whom I'm not comfortable of showing it to.
If only it were a more private event.

It felt like only yesterday.
When we were joking and chatting about everything around us.
When you were dishing advice while showing me how fragile I am
Despite the difference in size.
Yet I missed it when you left.
I'm sorry...

Again?
That's what my mind keeps telling me.
One by one, a part of me keeps leaving.
See you...

Yet again?
Sigh.
If you must.

I thought I made the right decision.
Heh.
I must have been stupid and blind.
Like an idiot stumbling through darkness.
Holding nothing but a short stub called a candle.
Making a fool out of myself.

I'm afraid of telling you.
So...so...afraid...
Afraid that you might hate me.
Be disgusted at me.
Wondering what happened to me.

It struck like a sledgehammer.
No...
No...
But it did.
Thanks for being there.

Wow.
News after news.
Its unfair of you to think that I wouldn't be in shock for a while.
But thanks for letting me know.
Really...
Thanks.

Why?
What is this awful feeling I keep feeling...
Too afraid of letting anyone know...
Too afraid of the truth...

Thanks for listening to me.
It helps knowing that I'm not alone.
That there's someone out there who understands.
One who's been thru it.
One who's willing to lend an ear.

Lesson learnt?
Apparently not.
Here we go again.
Its going to be hell..
One hell of a roller coaster ride.
My emotions are ready for that roller coaster ride.
Smack right after a bungee jump.

8th December 2009

Once again, I'm being lazy and shall not upload the pics. Again. Haha.
No ranting today. I'm in a good mood. Just had fish head noodles~ So yummy~~
:p

I'm full. Which means i'm content. I'm also sleepy because I woke up early and dragged myself out of bed *cough cough* Its your fault. You know who you are.

So....I'm here to start a debate! :D
If no one replies in my cbox, i'll just SHAMELESSLY think of it as a debate between myself and the wall. Hah!

And i'll SHAMELESSLY and THICK FACEDLY *no such word but meh..* assume that people read my blog. Haha.

So...Here's the debate. Xanga, Blogger, or something else?
Something else being referring to other blog sites such as wordpress or livejournal or myspace. I dunno >_>

Which one is the best? Xanga was where it all started for me. But since my xanga blog is now on the batch blog, that means no privacy :p Well...almost. Haha. I don't really like people whom I don't know reading my blog. Just friends that I know please :p

Right. The debate. Let's see... What I like about Xanga...

1. Allows you to make certain posts private without making the WHOLE blog private. You can also pick certain people and allow them to read that particular post.
2. Allows you to track who visits your blog.
   
3. Maybe its because Xanga was the first blog I've ever had, I find it easier to customize certain options.
4. And now, I can see which Xanga friend that I've added has updated their blogs, or has commented on my posts.
   

What I hate about Xanga

1. It loads extremely slow at night, when Malaysia's internet is at its SLOWEST peak. Cuz, everyone else from across the world are awake and sapping Malaysia's pathetic bandwith. Don't know if its still slow at night though. And also because I usually blog at night, or at the wee hours of the morning :p
2. Its too much of a hassle if I wanna privatise the posts and allow only certain people to read it because instead of just typing in your e-mail, you would need to create a Xanga account.

Right. Now on to Blogger. What I like about Blogger is

1. Its fast. Full stop. Hahahahaha. *faster than xanga anyway* The last time I used it.
   
2. Also, I can check how many posts I've created so far, how many drafts I have. I don't think Xanga has that.
   
3. It auto saves. So if I accidentally x the browser at least one portion of my post is there. Imagine typing a touching post only to have accidentally x-ed the whole browser =="
4. You can save drafts! I don't think Xanga has it but correct me if I'm wrong.

What I hate about blogger >_>

1. Like I said, maybe its because I'm used to Xanga, I find it hard to customize Blogger.
2. If I wanna have privacy, I would need to make my WHOLE blog private. Then slowly send out invitations. Something which I'm just too lazy to do :p
3. I still have no idea how to repost old pictures that I've uploaded >_> On xanga, they would show me the whole album.
   

Ok fine. Number 3 is actually because I have no idea how. Haha.

Right. Time to take my evening nap.

2nd December 2009

I am not going to post the pictures of my hike :p

Fine! I'm lazy! Happy? Haha. I hate uploading pics because it takes ridiculously long. Unless if I do it at 5am in the morning. When the internet is fast in Malaysia >_>

So I've been thinking, *which is bad since i'm supposed to be studying*, I really wanna change myself. For real. The big step has to be now when i'm still surrounded by people whom I know will back me up if something goes wrong. Not when i'm alone in a foreign land.

Question is...How?
I'm not the type to just initiate conversation just like that. I'm not the type to just randomly go up to people and introduce myself. I'm not one to talk. I listen. I don't initiate conversation, I go with it. But I know, this has to change.
I tried once. I really did. I started a conversation. But it always ends up in awkward silence. I try to keep the conversation flowing but after a while, I just feel so tired mentally I'll just keep quiet.

The problem with humans, or any sociable living animal for that matter, is that they tend to stick with those that talk. Those that are leaders. Hey, i'm sure you'd rather stick with a friend who's friendly than a more quiet friend right? It takes a lot of courage and personality to go up to a quiet friend when you're the center of attention. For example, picture this. You're popular. The center of everything. You have tons of friends. But you notice a lonely figure, feeling left out from everything. Just sitting alone, watching you and all your friends with sad eyes but just sits there. What would you do? Would you leave your position of being with the crowd just to go to that lonely person? I'm sure you won't. You'd most probably look away, pretending you didn't see anything and continue right?

But I digress.

I really want to change but its so deeply ingrained in me to be who I am. Sure, I've changed since high school I will admit. Not much, I think. But change is change. Being more open than before, actually initiating conversation, being much more confident in myself, my view on life in general and my own.
So much has changed. I've changed from that naive, clingy, unconfident, quiet girl to what I am. Still naive, still clingy, slightly more confident, less quiet. Haha. Still learning how to tell between right and wrong, still having problems choosing friends wisely, still finding my place, still searching.

Well, the change is still in progress but I have tried to change myself since starting IMU.
First of all, I've tried to be more friendly by starting conversations. Unfortunately, that didn't go too well as I would often be at a loss as to what to continue the conversations with. Also, I seem to tire easily just by doing all that. It was TOO drastic a change for my mind to handle I guess.

Next, I've tried to change my clothing style. Being in IMU means that we can't really wear t-shirts and jeans. But that doesn't mean I cheated a little :p I do wear t-shirts. With collar. Haha. I wear sneakers. But those that are black, with little design so that the guards won't notice. Unfortunately, the CSU sisters did. Haha. I wear formal pants. Everytime. How did I change?
Well, I decided to go for a more casual formal, semi-formal look. My 'formal' clothes aren't exactly the formal t-shirts. I guess you'll have to see it to understand what i'm trying to say :p I've ditched formal clothes for many reasons. Main reason being, ITS UNCOMFORTABLE DAMMIT. Whoever invented formal clothes must have put COMFORT at the bottom of the list. I have broad shoulders. Wearing a S size meant that its kinda tight at my shoulders. Wearing an M would mean that the shirt looked too big on me ==" Gah. So I gave up wearing formal, wearing it only if I have to.

Next, I changed my hairstyle. Well..if you call leaving my hair long changing my hairstyle. The reason I chopped my hair back in secondary school was because it was such a bother. I could never keep my hair neat. Well...to tell you the truth. The same applies now :p But I've decided to tell myself this. If my hair is long, I can always cut it short. More choices on how to style it xD But if I cut it short...I have limited choices. Well...Its all bullshit seeing as I kinda contradict myself by not cutting it >_> And by cutting it short, it usually means the hairstylists will cut my fringe short. Which is something I absolutely hate for the rest of my life. I don't like having my hair in my eyes.
Unfortunately, as we all know, you tell the hairstylists one thing, they'll insist on cutting it just a little shorter >_>

Well. That's just on the outside. How do I change on the inside? Other than being more outspoken, friendly and communicative? I guess I'll go for being independent for now. Seems like the easiest thing. No?
Sigh. Guess this means its time to try staying in Vista. And see how I suffer xD Still considering it as I don't know how my parents will react. My main concern would be food since i'm so picky :p

Ah well. This seemed more like a rant >_> Sorry. Couldn't help myself xD
Lets see...I guess I should learn by now to never promise to post something since I'll always be too lazy to do so. Haha! The pics...will be up when I feel like it :p
Well...that is, if you wanna see it. I mean, if there are no enthusiastic responses I'll take it as, you've already seen it on facebook and no longer have the interest to see me post repetitive stuff.

So..till then.

1st of December 2009

P.S. Looks like someone is gonna hit the big two-oh tomorrow, the 2nd of December 2009 :p Happy Early Birthday :)