Home is Where the Heart is

New term I created *or maybe it has already existed >_>*
Definition? Refer to writer's block.

I have blogger's block because I couldn't remember about the topic I was supposed to blog about. Hence, I googled "What to blog about". Well, those focus on stuff that doesn't apply to me. Then, I came upon this.

"Suggest an idea: for a story or for a way to do things. Invite reaction and suggestions – and don’t expect people to come to you: approach people you might otherwise be shy of asking, and invite them to respond on the comments. Ideas can travel very far, so can be very effective in attracting readers."

Taken from
http://onlinejournalismblog.com/2009/02/04/starting-a-blog-12-ideas-for-blog-posts/

And this really caught my attention. Because...there is something that I'd like to share with you guys, and hope that you can spread it around ;)

This started when I was in standard 6. See...you might not notice this but...lets say...

Picture this scenario. Two people are talking to you at the same time. You only listen to one person. And usually, you go on and on about that particular topic right? Hence, leaving the other person to keep those thoughts to him or herself.

Well, I've noticed that because I was interrupted alot too :p And that made me....sad.
So...I decided to take the effort to change things around me. A little at a time, but at least I made the effort right?
When the same situation happens, only this time I'm in the position of the listener, I'd acknowledge the other person and say, " You were saying?"
Then, the other person can go ahead and let me know right? I started doing this in standard 6 and I DID notice a few people around me who do that now :D

I'm sure you've been a similar situation. Well, something like that at least.

I hope I've made a difference based on this post :x

Or maybe I'm being a naive idiot :(

23rd October 2009

LT2 (or was it LT1) 's air-cond is getting all pissy on us. Haha. Its sooo cold >.< Going to fall sick soon at this rate :\

I've just realized this while studying. *which means i wasn't studying afterall :p* That at this time, 2 years back, I would be in Taylor's. Taking my AS exams. 3 years back, I'd be in form 5, taking my SPM. 4 years back, I was struggling with my add maths in form 4, constantly failing and getting less than 50%. 5 years back, I would have either completed or am taking my PMR.

How time really flies.
It seemed like only yesterday where I was struggling with normal maths back in standard 5. Yes people. I failed maths in standard 5. I failed add maths in form 4 :p
But my ego wouldn't permit me failing maths. Failing history, geography, KH and moral on the other hand is fine by me.

So, I tried harder. Back in standard 5, apparently it was because I didn't understand the basics at all.
In form 4, it was because I just didn't understand it.

Lol!

So, I can proudly say that I got A in my SPM trial exams. An A1. HUGE improvement from my 40% back in form 4.

Wish I could say the same thing about myself.

I have a half-arsed motivation which is not going to get me anywhere.

I need to rediscover the reason why I've chosen this profession.

I wanna go on a soul-searching trip :(

So many "I wanna" that its not getting me anywhere.
Think I'll go on a solo jog one day and rediscover it ;)

Speaking of rediscovering, there was once on one of my jogs with Sarah in the Bukit Jalil park, we saw..

A family of..

WILD BOARS.

Ahahaha! It happened quite a while back actually :p It was hilarious xD

We were going for a late jog cuz we started out kinda late. It was kinda dark but bright enough.
They just...

Crossed.

Like...

Right in front of us.
To get a drink of water from the lake.

Hahahahahahahahhaah.

It was so funny. Another jogger who was coming from the opposite direction just stopped and stared. xD

Too bad I wasn't holding on to my phone or camera xD

The picture would have been EPIC.

23rd October 2009

Will only make you stronger.

This hasn't killed me yet. So...does that make me any stronger?
Its true that I'm more thick skinned and I've numbed myself to almost everything that hurts me.

But doesn't this mean I'm running away from reality?

Who knows. I need someone to slap me awake >.<

Btw, this isn't an emo post :p
This is just one of those..."self-discovery" posts kinda thing.

I'm still smiling :)

Albeit a little weird.

I suspect that chee cheung fun seller drugged e li's and my lunch.
Its either that or de Brio cafe.

So obviously drugged based on my reactions to all the lecturer's comments.

Lets not go to E Li's reactions.

Its as bad as the squishing the hedgehog and the lame joke session. Trust me.

20th October 2009

I shall try to be a new me soon! Watch out world!

First up, I wanna change all my bad qualities. Well, to the best of my abilities anyways.

NUMBER ONE.

Procrastination and bad sense of timing :x
I know i'm always late :x

I shall try to be not late from now on :)

Number 2.
I'm a bitch at times.

I'll try to get rid of that :s

Is there anything that you would really like me to change? TELL ME! I accept any sort of criticism. So if you wanna thrash me now, go ahead. Just put ur name as anonymous or smth if you feel uncomfortable of telling it to me straight.

Be honest yea?

Better go thickened my face first.
Haha.

20th October 2009

But it will never truly separate us :)

If the connection and heart is strong, we will survive!

18th October 2009

is never easy...

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left.

And I am proud to announce that I have learned to let go.
Learn, meaning, still in the early stage. Every now and then, reading stuff makes my heart twinge a little.

But the pain is no longer there. The constant, dull and aching pain is no longer present.

Just an itsy-bitsy twinge in my heart. That's it.

Is this what it means to let go of stuff? My heart feels so much lighter, like a load has been taken off my shoulders.

So...the hyper Pei Li is back :)
Unless when I am yet to have food.
Or am tired.
Or its in the morning.

You NEVER expect a hyper Pei Li in the morning. If she is, that's not Pei Li.

Its my evil twin, Mei Li.

:p

17th October 2009

An incident yesterday restored a little of my faith in humanity.

I was buying groceries with my mum after Millers yesterday at The Store. So, they sell kuih bahkulu *i dunno how to spell it* and there was a guy making it. What he does is basically pour the batter into the moulds. He also had a whole stack of fresh kuih on a tray.

There was a little boy, who was running to and fro and just stopped right in front of that guy. He just stared, and ran back to his father who was just standing not too far away, watching his little boy.

Then, the guy there, took a kuih, and offered it to the little boy. The little boy smiled, took it, and of course, the dad asked him to say thank you. The boy said his thanks and started eating the kuih.

That little act of kindness...Do you call it kindness? I dunno. It just really touched my heart. Usually they would smile because its an innocent little boy, but nothing more. That he could spare at least one for the boy was really sweet to watch :)

That little incident really made me smile from the bottom of my heart, something I haven't been doing in a while.

Thank you for the miracle you just showed me :)

15th October 2009

Until being strong is the only choice you have...

People change so that you can learn to let go..
And things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right.

Learning how to let go may be tough, but its never impossible.
Learning how to be truly free was never easy but its still doable.

Nobody can be truly free from their problems.
Everyone has their insecurities and individual burdens.

Its how you deal with them and face them that truly makes you who you are.

Going through the process of finding yourself is never easy. But it always helps if you can find someone to depend on when you fall down.
Falling down would mean that you would be injured, crushed...unless if its something minor and you only escape with a few bruises and scrapes. Its not easy getting up if you're hit hard. Like, smack right into your face. In fact, depending on how strong you are it'd take a longer time to get up.

Of course, it ALWAYS helps if you know there's someone who will be behind you all the way. Be it your family or friends.

Thanks for being there for me :)

No matter how many times I fall, I know that I can depend on you guys to help me get up again.

11th October 2009

The feeling of losing something. The feeling of losing all connection.

The distance felt.

The time not spent.

The sight of being so different around me.

I maybe blur but I am sensitive when it comes to how people start treating me differently. So here I am wondering...

What did I do wrong?
What happened?
What did I not do?

Why?....

If only I had the guts to open my mouth.
Guess all I can do is suffer in silence.

10.10.2009

Once again, I'm amazed by how the small decisions in life can affect how your future turns out.

For example, just today, if I hadn't :-

1. Decided to tell my mum I wanted to go on a vacation
2. And that she would book Langkawi
3. And drive to a particular japanese restaurant
4. Enter it at that exact time
5. Pay attention to the song playing
6. Ask for the song

I wouldn't have been able to get the song.
And if Ting Yu hadn't decide to look for that song which has been re-sung in chinese, and had he not come across that particular video where the original Japanese song title was there, he wouldn't have been able to get the song.

So apparently I've fulfilled his standard 6 year old dream.

An EIGHT year old dream
xD

Funny how the little things, and small decisions affect the outcome huh?
So much so that its kinda freaky...

Fate.

Or coincidence.

Or the inevitable.

Freaky....

@_@

On a random note, I finished a whole bar of toblerone t.t

Anyone wanna gimme one? :D
It'd make my day! *hint hint*

7th October 2009

Right. So, I need a t-shirt printing company. One that's professional, knows that there's such thing as KEEPING YOUR PROMISES, and making sure that the shirts will be printed on the date promised.

As i've said on facebook, dun say B-comfort. Seriously --"
Mention it and I won't even talk to you anymore.

So yea, do let me know! I need one to print out shirts and I refuse to deal with bcomfort --"

They've let me seen hell as it is already.

They've let me seen, experience and give me hell

6.10.2009

Before I go insane >.<

I desperately need the piano score for Love Drunk by Boys Love Girls, 21 Guns by Greenday, and Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato.

Please and thanks :D

One hurdle : OVERCOMED! :D With emoness, sadness and support from my friends. Lol.

And a little divine intervention here and there :)

Thank you.

For the next hurdle, I shall overcome it with a less emo tone :D

Well, of course, i'm typing this after being high on chicken rice and iced blended mocha.

Which by the way is awesome on a hot day.

Which also by the way is not too bad.

Which by the way I think that guy drugged mine >_>

I'll shut up now :x

And shall talk about my CSU today.

Today, it involved a patient.

On inspection, Mr. X is conscious, communicative and is not in any obvious pain. He isn't in any respiratory distress. He is of average built and height. No scars can be seen, no discolouration and no gadgets attached. *did i miss out anything? o.O*

On inspection of the hands, he does not have any clubbing, no palmar erythema. Capillary refill is less than 3 seconds which is normal. No leuconychia, or koilonychia. There is no Dupuyten's contracture. Sir can you please put your arms up like this? Thanks. There is no flapping tremor. The pulse rate is 68 beats per minute and there is no radio-radial delay.

On inspection of the arms, there are no scars, no AV fistula or any abnormal discolouration. *I have a feeling i'm missing something...* *and i cheated and referred to my notes* There are no bruises, no petichae, no ecchymoses or purpura. There are no spider naevi.

On inspection of the head, there is no hair loss. Sir can you please look down? Thanks. The sclera is white, which means there is no jaundice. Sir can you please look up? Thanks. The conjunctiva is pink, which means there is no anaemia. There are no xanthomata.

The lips are not cracked, and there are no signs of central cyanosis. There is no angular stomatitis. Sir can you please open your mouth? Can you please say Ahhh? Thanks. On inspection of the mouth, there is good oral hygiene, no oral thrush, the tonsils are not inflammed or enlarged, and the uvulae is not deviated. Sir can you please lift up your tongue? Thanks. There are no signs of jaundice or central cyanosis. The tongue is wet, which means the patient is well hydrated. It is not glossy, which means there is no glossitis.

On inspection of the neck, there are no obvious pulsations, no scars or deformities.

On inspection of the chest, there are no surgical scars, there are a few spots of pigmentation, and there are no deformities. There are no spider naevi and there are no distended veins.

Gah. I give up. I am yet to start on the GIT. Lol. This is just general inspection.

.......

Why did I just type all of that? o.O

5th October 2009

"A miracle is a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature, such that can be attempted to be explained by divine intervention" - Wikipedia



So....how do you define a miracle?

1. Amazing grades despite the fact you know you've screwed up the whole paper
2. You finally beat the game! WOHOO!
3. I dunno. Insert your own reason then. >_>

Well, I guess a miracle..or a calling..or i dunno. Something such as 'divine intervention' happened to me today.

So much so it was kinda freaky xD

It all started...

When I picked up today's paper.

Yea...

After reading an article... I just...felt better.

I looked up and suddenly, a cool breeze was blowing. The rustling of the leaves were so soothing.
The wind really calmed me and made my whole self feel lighter.

Everything that was really bothering me since the past month or so just felt so insignificant already. My inability to express reactions doesn't mean I don't feel anything ok >_>
The shock just doesn't register on my face. :p

Suddenly, the puzzle pieces fell right into place.

Scary? Haha.
I felt so insecure...always questioning...and this has been bothering me since quite a while. It peaked at its worse when I was flooded and swamped with stuff to do. Didn't help with the fact that on Friday, I felt so used and dumped. * No E Li, not talking about you**Yes seriously, NOT talking about you*

So yea. Of course you can always press the red button at the top right corner of your browser when you think. " Oh look, Pei Li has lost it".

In fact, don't read wikipedia when you type miracle in the search engine. Of course, after typing that sentence I expect nearly 90% of you guys to go ahead and do that.
Read the part on what C.S Lewis says then.

End of my post of the day.

Start of the stress of CSU. Haha. I just realized that I would need to learn the 9 abdominal regions.

And that I would be doing a rectal examination next week.

On a plastic model.

Or smth.

I dunno >_> It was kinda hilarious when I saw the title in the manual.

Tomorrow's general examination! Hope I get a hot SP ;)
Especially one with great abs since we're doing inspection of the GIT. Which means...
We get to inspect, palpate, percuss AND auscultate the ABDOMINAL region.

And if we're going to do that on someone slightly obese....
Well...

Lets just say its going to be hard to feel for the liver, spleen and kidney.

Wouldn't want me to mix up the 3 organs right? Haha.

Ok, high on choc and mooncake now.

4th October 2009

P.S When you're feeling down, remember this word.


HELLO! :D

PEI LI HERE! :D

Most of your eyebrows must be raised by now :p

--" Ok ignore me.

Is the way you treat someone.

Of course, countless texts always stress on the importance of first impressions, because it is that which helps how people analyze and kinda classify you.

Other than first impressions, how you treat the person throughout them knowing you is also important. I'll admit that I haven't been doing a fantastic job of treating them nicely and i apologize now if I've insulted you or hurt you in anyway. Unless if I really hated you then and there, and even up till now, it was unintentional.

As human beings, we fear rejection. So, forgive me if I say that its only normal that we sometimes create a strong front to show that we are not that vulnerable.
This applies to me too.

Of course, this fear of being rejected will always stay with me. Its just been too scary being all alone. Even now, I always have insecurities about everything around me. This insecurity is eating away at my patience and at times, my sanity. Well, on a small scale anyway.

But we have to adapt right? I have kinda adapted to this >.<>.< But, I understand that sometimes, you're busy. So...I guess its easier if I refrain from smsing huh?

By being treated differently than before is already bugging me. By not treating me as afriend I've already felt this insecurity.

Well, the 3rd person has their own issues so lets not touch there.

" The truth is...to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all"

3rd October 2009
2.58am

At some point of time, we will have to separate and follow our own dreams and lives.

Saying hello and goodbye is a norm in our lives. We say hi to new friends, and say bye to old ones.
Meeting new people is always a good thing. Its through that, that we are able to find ourselves and deal with different people throughout our lifetime.

Forging new ties, and keeping the cross-link of our ties are pretty hard. I mean, any physics law can tell you that anything long and huge will be very weak compared to something that's small and short.


But sometimes, we just have no choice but to break a few cross-links. Sometimes, we need to let go. Starting our own separate lives are sometimes challenging on its own. We're usually so caught up we tend to neglect the cross-links at the other end of the spectrum; too busy forging new ties, too busy building new cross-link. If its not taken care of, the other end will start crumbling right?


Finding the balance; which is to make new cross-links and to maintain the old ones, is kinda hard. But hey, if you're the kind who doesn't care whether the old ones are maintained, fine.
But what if you're like me? Who's afraid of losing those old cross-links WHILE forging new ones? For example, if you had TWO parties to attend, both at the same time, both at two ends of the world, whose would you go for? Your new friends, or your old friends? If you don't go for your new friends party, you might get left out. If you don't go for your old friends party, they'd think you don't want them anymore. To be fair, lets say that both of these parties were giving out their invitations at the same time and you happened to receive the invitation at the same time. What would you decide?

Well, we have our choice. As my lecturer said, "Diseases don't read textbooks". Each person reacts differently. Same as this situation. Different people react differently to different conditions.

All that crap being said, I'm beginning to think I shouldn't even blog anymore. Whatever I blog seems to be a whole lot of crap.


What do you think?

1st October 2009

Always say you'd rather live for that person instead :)

This particular statement triggered my memories from high school. Haha. It actually started from what something Ca Men said. And I mentioned this line instead. It instantly brought me walking down memory lane.

This is related to when I was...erm...either in form 1, or form 2. Or form 3 :p Between when I was 12-14 la...

It was during church with Dianne and Sarah. And they were preaching.

"Never say you'd die for that person. Say that you'd rather live for that person instead".

This sentence immediately changed my views back then. Last time, being the unconfident, and small sized teenager that i was, *yes i was short >_>* I kept thinking that...nothing would change even if I were here. Nothing would be different, no one would miss me. Hence, I'd rather die for someone. *oh gosh, I sound soooo depressed last time :p*

But after hearing those words...I thought, hey, maybe its alright for me to live for my friends, maybe....just maybe....I could change the world just by being alive, and that someone would actually miss me when I'm gone. Just maybe... Even if I were wrong, at least let me be a naive, little girl. Let me believe so.

So, ever since then, I'd always tell myself. Remember, never die for that person. Always say that you'd rather live for them instead :) Of course I'm not referring to situations when someone points a gun at your beloved. You're free to choose what to do then. Remember, there would always be someone who will be sad when you're gone. Be it your friends, or your family.

NEVER take your own life. Its just not time. There's actually so much more to do :) No matter how tired you are of life, there's just something to be discovered somewhere. For example...

Imagine if I took my own life back then. I wouldn't have been able to meet so many new friends :) Like, Lai Mun, Tsing, Yee Wen or even Mel. Haha. Not to mention the one of a kind Yan Leng. I wouldn't have been able to meet my friends in Taylor's. Or in IMU.
I wouldn't have the opportunity to learn that running is actually quite fun, and that Millers is the club that i've been searching for ;)
I wouldn't have been able to demand for chocolate *you know how you are!*
I wouldn't have found out that my thumbs hurt if I play too many octaves on the piano * as it is now >_>*
I wouldn't have been able to learn how heart wrenching is it to say goodbye to your friends; to learn that as we grow up, shit happens.
To learn that, the world just isn't as kind as I thought.

To learn that, sometimes, the unexpected just happens.

To also know that I can't pretend to put on a happy face in front of some people; that I can feel comfortable crying in front of them.

I wouldn't have been able to boast that I've been friends with P5 for 8 years now *and counting!*

And so much more.
I also wouldn't have the chance to touch patients. HAHA. Sounded a lil wrong there ;p
But hey, if the SP is hot.... *winks at E Li and Carr Men*

So yea...

See how much I would have missed?

Right. Time to stop procrastinating and go back to my AIR topic. Haha. Its been delayed for a week now X.X

My thumbs hurt :(

29th September 2009

P.S : You can give me a heads up if you wanna talk to me ;) I try to be on MSN most of the time now. Remember, I'm never too busy to talk to a friend. Of course, if you're like Ting Yu who likes to disturb for fun, I'd just ignore you ;P

Thank you Lord.

All these negative emotions, once they've reached the utmost peak you'd just feel like stoning.

Trying to escape from reality

Trying to sort things out.

Already twice in this year have I felt like this. Erm..thrice kinda.
The first was bad enough. I was almost late for an event.
The second was not too bad. At least I had someone to support me through the whole thing *you know who you are :)*
The third...is the worse one so far. You can't just toss all this information towards me and expect me to make sense of it in such a short time! The first news took a while to sink in. At least I was given time to prepare myself for the second one. But it was also abrupt all the same due to the sudden change.

I feel like crying but I can't.
I feel like screaming but I can't.
I feel like talking but I can't.

Right.

This is already halfway out of my system.
Sorry for the emo posts and status updates.

If you didn't notice it then....
Since when was I emo?

Lol.

Only one person said that.

It doesn't count if no one notices!

I'll be back to myself by monday. Gimme just one last day to emo before that k?

>.<

27th September 2009
1.52am

This year has been full of surprises, shocks, changes and news. Both good and bad alike.
It has also been chock full of challenges, ups and downs, and an altogether different type of happiness.

Right now, my heart really feels uneasy.
My mind is kinda blank.

All this information...all these changes...

Its too much and fast for me to take it all in.

A good teacher once told me that, if you're a good friend, you will not tell them your secrets.
I'll have to agree and disagree at that.

Agree because, sometimes you're just burdening your friend with the secret, and also you won't know how they would react.

Disagree because, friends are there to stick with you thru thick and thin. They're there for you to take that huge burden of your shoulders.

So many decisions, so many choices, so little time.

What would any of you have done in my position?
Listening is the easy part.
Living with the burden is the hard part.

Accepting the entire truth is the hardest part.

26th September 2009